MY FAVORITE DUDE; LEWIS BLACK. THAT GUY IS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!
Everybody says that New Zealand's beautiful and nobody really knows because after 19 hours on a plane, any land mass is beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been two penguins blowing each other; I'd'a been happy to see them, and I would have performed.
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
The most important part of travel is when you come home, because that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we are the only country, that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME!!' I can guarantee you by the end of the week you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just so you could attempt to possess his power. The amazing thing is that there are people who have never left this country, who talk about the fact that we are the greatest country on Earth. How fuckin' dumb is that? 'Cause you don't know. If you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away everyday! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? HEALTH INSURANCE!
While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and my car; the rental car: the Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go... 'Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!' So I called the police, I told them, 'They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth Horizon.' And the officer said, 'They must have taken it for a joyride.' 'Hey. I don't think you're listening, asshole. The car is a Plymouth... HORIZON! It is not a joy - to ride!' We're talking about a car that goes 45 miles per hour with the wind! If you actually turn off the air conditioning you can supercharge the little fucker to 48.
LMAO!1!! It's my firm belief that this country has lost its mind. We are completely nuts now. It started, I think with the Heaven's Gate people. That was the first sign that there was something desperately wrong in our culture. When 39 Americans killed themselves in a mansion. In a mansion! You don't kill yourselves in a mansion! You kill yourselves in a shitty apartment like I live in. And they killed themselves in order to get to a mother ship, that was conveniently located out of sight, behind the Hale-Bopp Comet. 39 Americans. And they were collected by a guy who went around in the early '70s, and nobody stopped him. He said that his name was Bo and he introduced his partner at these meeting that he had, and he said her name was Peep… If I’m in a meeting and a guy says, 'My name is Bo, this is Peep.' Guess what? End of meeting! We have nothing to discuss. I’m out of there unless, of course, there are sheep. And if Peep is dressed properly, I’ll stay around quite some time. 'How do we get to the mother ship, Bo? What do we do?' 'We don't drink. We don't smoke. We don't do drugs. We don't have sex.' 'Well, you'll have to kill me now. You've taken away all four food groups. I'm fucked.' He actually told them, if they wanted to continue to have sex, that they should be castrated. Seven castrated themselves! I always thought that all of us, had a little, small voice of survival somewhere. I would think, that would be a deal breaker. When you find yourself in a bathroom, holding a weed whacker on your pecker. I believe a little voice should go off. 'Hey, hey, hey. I don't think this is the group we should join. Maybe we should try a bowling team.'
The next day, (after the Lewinski scandal) a discussion started that was so psychotic in nature. And it went on for months! And that is, 'is oral sex adultery?' And I thought, 'When did that go up for grabs?' How did I miss that? God, where was I when the principal said, 'It's Friday and we'll be having fish sticks. And with the weekend coming, remember guys, blowjobs don't count.' ... Is oral sex adultery? YES! That's the end of the fucking argument! If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blow jobs. I certainly would stay though whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.
135 nations signed the global warming treaty; we didn't. We didn't. We wonder why the world thinks we're arrogant. Ha! 135 nations signed the treaty. We go, 'Hey! Go fuck yourselves! We don't give - suck on our shit!'
Richard Simmons can KISS MY ASS!! You know why people in this country get fat? Thanksgiving! The day where there is never enough food. You can't just have a turkey, NO... there has to be a roast beef or a ham too... or BOTH! It's the only day we have mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes... and sweet potatoes aren't sweet enough so we put marshmallows on em' or we slop on the maple syrup. Then there is every green vegetable, 3 salads and a jell-o mold! And after all that you have to have at least, what, 7 desserts! 4 pies, 2 cakes and don't forget the rice pudding! And let's top it all off with a couple of quarts of non fat ice cream just to take the edge off!! And why do we eat so much? We're home... we're with our family... we're tense... we're edgy... neurotic... PSYCHOTIC! So instead of eating each other, we eat the weight of our family... IN FOOD! So the next day, our tummies stretch out and we have to eat more to keep them satisfied. Then there's Christmas parties and we drink too much liquor because we hate our boss... and he owes us! Then it's Christmas and we're eating like idiots... New Years Eve, more liquor and we wake on January 1st and think "I am a big fat pig!" So, we spend a whole lot of time trying to lose the weight and by the time we almost lost it, it's Thanksgiving again and we're blimping up! 20 years of holidays and I gotta tell you this, you're a FATTY FAT FAT!
whoever wants more tell meeeee! i love this shit!